Finally laying down, allergy pill ingested, browsing iTunes for a new song to buy.
My iPhone is full of songs that make me think of you, and it will probably take a few for me to figure out how to even remove them. I’ll leave some of them though.
Browsin, yea definitely not buying the last song I put on in your car on last sunny Thursday. Thinking about that burns me kinda. I’ll go for a song off of talib kweli’s ‘gutter rainbows’. Better alternative.
Typically I’d be having Monday dinner with you and catching up on Game of Thrones. Our little ritual, one of some. This Monday though, I was on the couch at home with a Bolano book keeping my hand warm instead of what should have been keeping my hand warm. Yours.
I won’t call it a mistake, but I will say I got comfortable. Nestled in consistency.
Then those C words decided they couldn’t stick around. And the B word popped up.
No, not ‘bitch’.
B as in ‘break up’.
Followed up with an O. As in ‘Oh.’
“Sometimes “old feelings” can tell you things that are not true about a current situation.
Your emotional scars will raise alarm when you’re in a situation that echoes one past.
These are harder to see through from but with time and trust, they too will be undone,
replaced with the new truth of your experiences.”
It’s natural for us to feel this way, for anyone and everyone, this feeling is not limited to any one person. I’ve been there, and those feelings were placed there under some very rough circumstances. I’ve made a complete 180 and at this point in my life, emotionally/mentally, I am in a solid place. Ready to take on anything that’s thrown at me. And moreover, ready to show patience and care to anyone in my life who may need that. I didn’t always get those two components so I’m really striving to offer that to those I care for.
Because baby, I’m trying so hard for you. Trying to assure. I’m working on giving the time, because I was given time and it did wonders. But I need some trust that you want to find out some new truths. Truly.
I been reading and lounging in my bed all afternoon and it’s been the best shit ever. I will always know that my bed will never leave me, will always want me, keep me warm, and make me feel safe.
I am in an relationship with my bed.
“because I really like you and I want you to know how much I do by holding you.”
The older you get, the way it’s supposed to work is you mature in how you learn to treat others. Others being your family, your friends, and anyone in between. Notice, I said that that is the way it is SUPPOSED to work, ideally. But we are humans, and we are selfish, we are unsure, we are scared, we are conditioned to be inclined to one emotion or another.
I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but I can really see myself coming into my own with this ideal. Treating others how you want to be treated, I truly believe it lends itself to some future good karma.
I am now giving someone the fairest chance I have ever given any male. I’m not saying part of me isn’t scared because I finally chose to take the leap, but I feel, wholeheartedly, and completely good because I am doing right by someone who deserves it.
Little sis London and I are involved in our own little Cold War right now. Mainly because I’m not being the cool older sister she normally says I am. I won’t be sorry for trying to keep her out of some trouble that at some point would probably pop up. Because hey, it happens even to the big, legal adults too.
“Like I don’t know what you think would happen? I’m pretty sure I’d behave better at a bar than if I was trashed at a someone’s house party.”
Sit your 19 year old ass down. I don’t care that you’re mad because I’ve seen you drunk and believe me, I shudder to think about you in a bar like that. Plus I’m not going to enable the sketchy old man situation you have going on either.
#OlderSister #TrustMe #ShitAintFlyin